Dave’s Top Ten Starting Hands

As usual, Dave is having problems mastering the intracacies of the computer (or as he calls it, the "porn machine"). As a favor to him, I agreed to post his list for him, so here it is, word for word:


You guys don’t know anything about poker! Allow the Master to show you a REAL top ten list of starting hands!

1. 7-2os – In the possession of mere mortals, this hand is a piece of crap. Deal it to The Jizz, however, and I’ll be p-p-p-pumping up the volume and scooping some of Rick’s chips!

2. J-3s – I’m going to flop two threes and rock your world! But not before I push you and your measly kings in pre-flop.

3. A-6os – What’s not to love about this hand? It has an ace, and as you may know, many pros play hands with an ace in it. Also, it has a six, which in a pinch will no doubt fill an inside straight by the time the river hits. All good players have a Plan B.

4. 10-4s – They’re suited, enough said.

5. 8 – That’s right, just an eight. I am The Jizz! Only wussy losers need two cards in this game. Now kneel before your God!

6. 9-5os – The Dolly Parton is one of my favorites, because it’s named after a woman with big ol’ boobies! And who likes boobies? This guy!

7. K-Qs – This hand takes me a little out of my comfort zone, but the books say you have to mix up your play now and then. Playing good cards now and then makes it hard for my weak opponents to put me on a hand!

8. Q-2os – Okay, now we’re back in my territory. When the flop comes Q-2-2, they will never know what hit them! Charles will bet into me with his A-Q, and he’ll soon be crying out for his mommy!

9. 8-4os – Obviously, I play this powerhouse because every few months the flop will come 5-6-7, and when it does, I’ll have the second nut (well, at least until the turn)!

10. A-A – Strangely, I’ve found that I can actually make a little money playing this hand now and then. Doing so allows me to last a bit longer before busting out playing so-called “garbage” cards like the hands mentioned above.

There you have it, the recipe for my success! The reason that I, The Jizz, am known far and wide for my amazing prowess at the poker tables! With a bit of study and a little practice, you too can accomplish results similar to mine. One little tip however: you might want to start with a very large bankroll…

Dave – AKA “The Jizz”