My 10 Golden Rules of Poker

For those of you that may be new to the game of Poker, I have made up ten thoroughly comprehensive commandments to follow at your local game. Following these rules will ensure you a tidy profit and hours of fun!

1 - Never Fold Aces. Ever.
No one can possibly make a pair higher than yours, so you have no reason to fold! That jackass raising you on the JhTh9h board is putting you exactly on what you have, two black aces, and that bastard is going to try to bluff you out of the pot you rightly claimed with your under-the-gun limp! Nothing says strength like the UTG limp with aces, and there's no way you're beat here! ALL IN! This rule leads us into number two!

2- Never fold Kings. Ever.
6-way flop with a board of A 6 2? Three's a 0% chance anyone has an ace. Call any and all bets down and pump your fist after the showdown. Remember, poker players are deceitful, so if they is an ace on the board, they're just trying to trick you into making you fold! Shovel it baby! Rules one and two are sort of a corollary to rule number three...

3- Never fold top pair, top kicker.
Of course you're going to play any ace for any amount pre-flop, and when you dominate the flop 9 5 5 with A9, there is no sense in folding. That butt-pirate in sunglasses who made it $50 pre-flop is just continuation betting. Like the song says, you gotta know when to Hold'em, and know when to Hold'em longer!

4- Pot odds ALWAYS favor your flush draw.
You could read Theorm of Poker for this, but I'll spell it out here...never fold your flush draw. There's $8 in the pot, you flop a beautiful 7-high flush draw on a 988 board. One of them jackass players from Duke open pushes all in for 3,200, and accidentally flips over his measly pocket pair of 9's. He has three nines and is going to pay you off when you hit! Do the Math! 3200/8 = 97.4% chance of completing your flush. Ship it!

5- Drink copious amounts of alcohol while playing.
Tom Cruise will suddenly appear and tell you everyone's hole cards. After 10 shots of tequila, L. Ron Hubbard's spirit will enter the dealer and give you pocket aces every time so you NEVER have to fold!

6- Supplement your bankroll by mortgaging your house.
In this time of economic strength and the housing market at an all-time high, take out some equity in your home to play poker. Bring 20k to your friendly 1-2 game and never fold. The odds will crush your opponents and you'll walk away $400 richer! Nothing says Economic Stimulus like non-taxable income!

7- Educate your fellow players.
Someone call you down with middle pair and cost you a big pot when you were trying to represent the nuts?!? Let them know! Because you have special Tom Cruise powers, they should never have the audacity to think you're bluffing! You have a wide variety of words to chose from. Try Donkey, Nit, Idiot, lactating hermaphroditic hamster, and smelly yellow discharge from a polar bears butt! It's your responsibility to make this world a better poker playing place.

8- Whenever you lose, it's a bad beat
And whenever you win against that other nit's AA, it's "poker justice". After all, no player can expect to beat you with any sensible consistency. Hit your gutshot on the river? Stand up, pump your first, and ask him IF IT HURT!!!!

9- Each runner runner draw is +20% to your chances of winning.
If you think you completely missed the flop, look again! That lone spade on the board is your ticket to a monster! Call any and all bets with any 3 to a flush or three to a strait!

and finally....

10- Start your own game!
Bring all the donkeys to your house, and make money the easy way, RAK(P)E them! Everyone knows the acceptable limit to a house rake is 40% of each pot with more than one player involved. For advanced tactics, develop your card mechanic skills and deliver cooler after cooler! A few hours of hearty fun and all your friends will go home laughing and broke while you work towards paying off all those court costs!


Hope this helps everyone play better poker!