Poker Dos & Don'ts

Nothing can put a damper on a great poker game more than players who display poor etiquette. With these ethically-challenged individuals in mind, I came up with a list of helpful hints to assist them on their lifelong quest of making others miserable.


Do – Wait until the very last moment to turn over the best hand. Ideally this will be after the player with the second-best hand has already begun stacking his presumed winnings from the pot. Also, make sure to give the obligatory “I wasn’t sure it was good” explanation.
Don’t – Turn over the winning hand immediately. Nobody likes a show off.

Do – Take the maximum amount of time to act on every hand. This shows that you are a patient, cunning individual; a true thinker. Be sure to stare at your cards for at least 45 seconds, because as we all know, it’s against the rules for you to actually go back and look at them again.
Don’t – Act quickly once it’s your turn. Chances are you’re a loser, and playing more hands in a session just means you will lose more money in the long run.

Do – Splash the pot. Nothing shows what a tough hombre you are more than carelessly tossing a pile of chips into the middle of the pot. When you do this, your opponents will know that you mean business! What, don’t they trust you? It’s how they do it in the movies, so it should be good enough for them. Besides, if they have to know “exactly” how much the bet is, they probably can’t afford it anyway.
Don’t – Place your chips in front of you, and by all means don’t announce the amount of the bet or raise if it’s not obvious. This is a clear sign of weakness, and speeds the game up (which we’ve already established is probably bad for you).

Do – Act out of turn. Nothing says “I am the Alpha Male” more than trying to place a big bet before it’s your turn to act. Everyone else better g-g-g-get out now!
Don’t – Wait until it’s on you to act. This is another sign of weakness. Sheesh, it’s as bad as asking for permission to go to the bathroom.

Do – Talk about what cards you folded while others are in a hand. Poker is a social game, and it’s bad form to just sit quietly and watch the action, especially if it’s a big pot. All televised sports have a good color commentator to help create excitement, and you should do your part as well.
Don’t – Wait until after the hand to announce that you would’ve “flopped a boat.” It’s considered rude to let others play out the hand without all of the information available.

Do – Offer to check down the hand every chance you get, especially in multi-way pots. Other players may look at you and see “PUSSY” tattooed across your forehead, but those people clearly don’t understand poker.
Don’t – Play the hand down to the river. After all, there’s a chance you might actually have to, ya know, play poker.

Do – Loudly complain about getting “sucked out on” every time you lose a race. Also remember to remind the other player to “keep calling me with that crap” when his A-Q outdraws your J-J.
Don’t – Smile and say “nice hand.” Good God, you might as well be wearing a polka-dot dress! Also, don’t recall the times when you were the one who outdrew the other guy. That was simply partial (but not full) vindication for all the other suckouts bestowed upon you by crooked dealers and vengeful poker gods.

Do – Blame the dealer (especially J-Rod) for every pot you lose. It’s clear that he must be involved in some kind of conspiracy. Otherwise you, being the great player you are, would win every pot.
Don’t – Forget to blame the dealer (especially J-Rod) for every pot you lose. Because it really is that rat-bastard’s fault…


Well, hopefully this article has been some help to you. Remember, just reading the information will do no good, you need to put it to use. By following these tips, you should see a dramatic improvement in the slowness of your home game, as well as a noticeable increase in animosity among you and your opponents. Good luck!

See ya at the tables…
Rick